This is from the Blog of a Geochemistry Technician (Chuck), Chuck is from Central Australia, he asks his readers to imagine Avril Lavigne in an alternate universe. I thought it was funny so I posted it here.
From the blog titled:
Lounge of the Lab Lemming
Postdoc
Imagine a subtly different alternate universe. A universe where academic jobs were still cutthroat, but a universe where scientists spoke honestly about their ambitions, where scientific competition was as engrained in popular culture as romantic rivalry, and where Avril Lavigne is a promising young analyst:
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I don't like your postdoc!
No way No way!
Think your lab’s in gridlock
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I could be your postdoc
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I know that you cite me
No way! No way!
No it's not a secret
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I want to be your postdoc
Your gas line, I'll streamline it so it’s vicious
I use your theory all the time it’s so addictive
Don't you know that I can prove it- I can prove you’re right!
(you’re right you’re right...)
Don't pretend I think you know I'm damn precious
And hell yeah
I'm your sub-field's Fullbright princess
I can tell you like my work, and you know I'm right
Her blanks- so whatever
My pre-cision’s better
I think we should get together now
And that's what everyone's talking about!
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I don't like your postdoc!
No way No way!
Think your lab’s in gridlock
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I could be your postdoc
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I know that you cite me
No way! No way!
No it's not a secret
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I want to be your postdoc
I can see it when your papers citation me
And even when you plagiarize I know you think of me
I know you talk about my protocols
again and again (and again and again and again)
So come over here, tell me what I want to hear
Better yet make your post-doc disappear
I don't want to hear you cite her work ever again
(And again and again and again!)
Her blanks- so whatever
My pre-cision’s better
I think we should get together now
And that's what everyone's talking about!
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I don't like your postdoc!
No way No way!
Think your lab’s in gridlock
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I could be your postdoc
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I know that you cite me
No way! No way!
No it's not a secret
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I want to be your postdoc
In a season you'll be wrapped around my finger
Cuz I can, cuz I can measure better
There's no other
So when's it gonna sink in
A theorist with a lab-
What were you thinking?!
In a decade you'll be working in my basement
Cuz I can, cuz I can fund it better
I’ll have tenure
So when's it gonna sink in
You can adjunct
Or be working in my system!
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I don't like your postdoc!
No way No way!
Think your lab’s in gridlock
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I could be your postdoc
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I know that you cite me
No way! No way!
No it's not a secret
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I want to be your postdoc
No way! No way!
Hey! Hey!
It's a bit scary how few words I had to change to make this work. Of course, the big conceit here is that in our universe, I find it is the men, and not the women academics who are more likely to be snarky and petty instead of rational and professional.
P.S. - Here is a Link to Avril Lavigne's Girlfriend Original Music Video, link to original music video (so you can sing along).
--Chuck
I thought some of the comments left in response to this blog post were pretty funny too, if your interested in reading them follow the source link below...
Source: Lounge of the Lab Lemming: Postdoc