Belles

[elastics.]

I have no idea about the title yet. Just when I went to save that kinda popped into my head. Anyways, I kinda needed a venting story...

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My name is Kendra. I am nineteen. And my best friend, Elle, is engaged to the worst, egotistical, rude man. That basically sums up my life at this point. Oh, and I am a proud employee of Tasty Twells – this lame fast food joint that boosts its “high customer satisfaction”. Bullshit.

I hate Ken with a fiery passion. That’s the dude my friend is engaged to. He’s just so mean and has absolutely no respect for others. Okay, so I was out with them and we were at this pizza place and he totally put gum under the seat. Ew! Okay, okay, I realize that isn’t exactly full-blown scandalous, but the real problem is that he bosses Elle around. I can really see it becoming one of those abusive relationships if it isn’t already. And she’s just too blinded by love.

I, by the way, do not have an significant other at this point in my life, mostly because I don’t know who the hell would put up to me. Not that I mind being single, but I do sometimes miss the affection associated with non-platonic relationships.

I deal.

Tonight is Elle and Ken’s wedding shower. Apparently, they’re going to do something quote “special”. Yeah, uh, don’t really know how that one’s going down. I’m more scared than curious, though.

Ken somehow drills these ridiculous ideas into Elle’s mind. I hope they aren’t planning anything that weird…

The wedding shower is at Ken’s house, which is, how shall I put this? In lieu of a carpet, he has discarded condoms. Seriously. I’m not joking.

So, I’m getting ready for this grand event right now. I am so excited. I decided that I needed to wear something funky if I needed to offset the mood. Like if they were talking about petunias and then that turned into talking about cheese which would lead to talking about that really awkward subject of putting salmon on toast…

Salmon on toast is just the grossest shit around. You may not think discussing it would be awkward, but have you ever talked about salmon on toast? Believe me, not pretty.

This one time I was just eating dinner – salmon on toast for lack of anything better – and this random dude barged into my house. I figured it was some burglar so I grabbed a gun. To my surprise, he threw shrimps and scallops at me and then jumped out the window; his stash of seafood cradling his fall.

Not that when I was eating salmon on toast I enjoyed it. Notice that I said that I didn’t have anything better to eat. Doing menial labor in a stupid place where the fries have more sodium than the entire concentration in your body is not pleasant. I get paid crap. I just steal some of the salmon my parents get from Costco. They wouldn’t notice a difference, anyways. That’s what you get for buying in bulk!

So, yeah, salmon’s okay on its own, but when it’s paired with toast…enough said.

Okay, right, I was talking about looking for something funky to wear so I could be like, ‘look at my boots, they have buckles; salmon don’t have buckles, do they?’ and then I would’ve hopefully changed the subject.

I’m slipping into my black boots with buckles. I examine myself in the mirror – my blue eyes match my pale baby blue corset. Corsets are sexy. In of themselves they’re sexy, but when you wear them you instantaneously feel sexy. Not those seventeenth-century ones that hurt, just cutesy ones.

I was doing random searches on the Wikipedia the other day and apparently there are these relationships where it’s like this dude puts another person in a corset and it’s all sexual and stuff. Weird…I really should not surf the net. It’s bad for me.

I grab my eyeliner and scrawl it around my eyes. No purpose in making it look nice. It’s hilarious when people look at me like, ‘aw, poor sweetie, you don’t know how to do your make up, how will you ever live’ I mean, of course I’ll live! Vain idiots.

I love playing with people. Seeing how they’ll react to different things/situations. I realize this isn’t exactly honest, but what is in this world? Like, we have spies, wars, terrifying natural disasters, famine, salmon…

Yeah, but the psychology of peoples’ reactions is really interesting. If anyone asks I can tell them it was just some experiment that could potentially do a shitload of good for understanding humanity.

I also happen to be a wonderful liar. Not that lying is wonderful, just that, you know, I can weasel my way out of some particularly challenging situations. I wouldn’t use my skill for dishonest purposes! Of course not!

Yep, so now I’m ready to face Elle and Ken and their whole wedding shower. Well, actually, I’m just ready physically, but a little Starbucks will help and maybe curb the emotional aspect.

[waitingxforxyou]

bump til i can read this tomorrow

[panic]

loved it
ur an awesome writer...and my name is in it hehe, although i am marrying a jerk named ken haha!

[waitingxforxyou]

barbie's ken? scandalous!!

haha salmon, kathleen, is that your new fixation?

[Avrilfan18]

:O u used my name in ur story!

[elastics.]

I love Starbucks. It's just so awesome! And, you know what? During Christmastime they have peppermint hot chocolate. I mean, c'mon peppermints! They're totally awesome and completely fit into the holiday season!

But we're not in the holiday season right now; we're in May. That's right, the month where Aprils' showers are supposed make prettyful flowers. Unfortunately, I'm not really into the whole gardening thing, and nature kind of annoys me. That doesn't matter. What matters is that...well, I don't know what matters. Eh, I think the conductor of my train of thought needs some major chiding! He's probably eating cookies. With milk.

But, anyways, I think I'm gonna get some green tea. It makes me feel intelligent and Asian. And if I wear these glasses I stole out of an ominous, somewhat sketchy garbage can, I feel even more smart! Because everyone knows that people who wear glasses are intelligent and people who wear contacts are all stupid blonde dumbasses. You may wonder how I can make that generalization, but Ken wears contacts so, you know?

I'm sipping my tea in my car, sitting in traffic. Ew, traffic. When most people are in traffic they do stuff like call their best friends'-brothers-sisters-turtles-boyfriends-aunts-Canadian friends-husband. But I have better things to do then talk on my cellie. I tend to take a huge, Costco-sized jar of peanut butter and put my fingers in it and spread it around my my fingers and then roll down the windows and scream, "free peanut butter! Anyone have Ritz crackers?!"

But I don't want to go to Elle and Ken's wedding shower glopped in trans fats. Though, I did hang out with them one time after work...

This is one of their special days and I shouldn't ruin it, even if I hate Ken.

Hmf.

Every so often, I sip my tea, wondering how I can sabotage Elle and Ken's marriage. Yes, yes, bad Elle, but he's such an ass! So selfish. He's probably in with fraud and wants to steal all of Elle's money. Not that she has a ton, she's a college student for Christ's sakes! However, she does have the potential to make it really far, so I guess Ken is just tapping that. He's sure taking a gamble because there is that chance that Elle won't be successful - though I highly and I mean highly doubt it - so maybe that's why he's being irritable; he has to make sure that all his finanicial dreams come true.

Just a theory, though, don't want to secure something that wasn't true.

My fingers wrapped tighter around my green tea - it's fucking hot! Hotter than tea is normally, of course. Now I want to get a bucket of water and drop it on the weathermans' head and scream, "betcha couldn't predict that one!" and storm off. Granted, I couldn't do that to every weatherman. There's like ABC(ew), CBS, FOX...and then getting the people on the national as well as the local level. Damn. It was a pretty good idea.

Without thinking, I suddenly threw my tea out the window. By the way, it's not my fault, it's Al Gore's fault for making a stupid film about global warming. If he didn't make that film, I wouldn't be so freaked out and I would not be thinking all crazy-psycho like this. I'm not polluting the earth by trashing the cup. I mean, it's biodegradable.

I wonder what'd happen if humans were biodegradable. Well, of course we are when we die, but like what if our emotions were? That'd be weird and I think I'm using the wrong adjective.

"Who the fuck threw that green shit at my white car?" a pissed off voice screamed.

Shit.

I was really hoping I didn't hit anything, but it's not my fault! Al Gore should pay the damages!

"Um," I peeked out the window, "Yes?"
"What's your business throwing hot tea at my car on a beyond fuckin' warm day!"
"Well, the tea was hot and, well, you know Al Gore and he's all, 'polar ice caps melting, glaciers bu-bye' and well, he's so freaky and that weatherman, you know with the toupee? Ew, so then--"
"Seriously, what the fuck was in that tea?" he raged.
"Tea leaves, I guess. Green ones, I suspect."

I really should pay more attention to what I eat. I could be consuming something really nasty and not know about it because I find reading food labels really boring and makes me feel bad about all the energy I'm taking in.

"Did you not sense my fucking obvious sarcasm?" he mocked.
"Indeed, I am just too stupid to pick up human emotion. You, sir, are so so much smarter than me," I scoffed.

Suddenly, I heard loud beeping sounds.

Oh, crap, the traffic!

"Uhm, sorry, dude, how about you go to the hardware store?" I burst out quickly as I accelerated.

Whoa, that was weird. And scary. I didn't actually see his face or his car, it was such a blur. I hope he doesn't attack me or file something. I seriously will get Al Gore. And he'll agree with me and we can have a party and there will be an abudance of cupcakes.

[elastics.]

Originally Posted by waitingxforxyou

barbie's ken? scandalous!!

haha salmon, kathleen, is that your new fixation?

yes, yes! I guess I had that on my mind..I finished can you keep a secret yesterday..well, actually, I skipped a part..have to read that..hah. It was sooo effen cute, but that jack harper dude is prolly much older than emma - like, if he founded the corporation in 1987 and she's 25..

but i like jp, so I shouldn't care.

Yes, Nicole, salmon is my new fixation! But we can't forget about los platanos y el tocino! coz those are just sexy..aww..i'm remembering how we got into random spanish - in desk job i had evan say, "tengo sed" good times, hehe.

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Thanks, guys!

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haha, I feel weird responding to comments after posting an update.

[dont_wana_B_ordinary]

I like it!!!!!!

[waitingxforxyou]

i wonder if this person she threw green tea at will recur later?

and i've never had green tea. i hear it's good and good for you, though.

[elastics.]

I pulled up into Ken's driveway. There were a few spare condoms decorating the concrete. I really hope he wasn't doing Elle outside like that..so raunchy like those creepy squirells.

I took a deep breath in, removing my clenched hands from the wheel.

This will be alright. All you have to do is suck it up. And that green tea dude will not track me down. It'll be fine. Just breathe. Breathe, Kendra, breathe.

I walked up to the porch and my eyes fixated on the oak door.

Ken has a nice door. It has no semen on it.

"Hi! So glad that you could come! Yeah, so we need help setting up before everyone else gets here! Like..get your cute hat on, you know with the little flower on it? Yes, superb!" Elle screamed excitedly as I almost fell down on my ass in surprise.

Why does Elle have to open the door without me being aware? I was just about to ring the doorbell! Doing that totally defeats the purpose of having a doorbell. Except, there's those crazy children on Halloween who take advantage of the doorbell. You can see it in their faces, 'get here now! Get the fuck over here and give me my goddamn candy or I'm gonna [insert empty threat here]' for the younger ones, at least.

"Hey, Elle!" I say, faking a bright smile, "I have my hat in my purse, let me get it!"

I slide my purse down my arm so it's dangling on my wrist. I really do not like this hat. It's ugly looking. Elle gave it to me a few months ago when she started getting fully psyched about this whole wedding deal. She instructed me to wear it at every wedding-type function of hers. And, me being the best friend I am, agreed to wear it.

Now, you may think I'm just doing it so I don't have to hurt her feelings, but that's not it. If I had told her 'fuck this - the hat is ugly' she wouldn't have that one item to connect with. People, most people anyways, want things to stay the same in their lives because it's comforting. If I didn't give this thing to Elle to connect to, then things would just fall apart.

I shuffled in my purse for the hat and retrieved a small, white hat. I placed it on my head and grinned.

"It looks awesome!" Elle exclaimed, "Ken, dear, have you finished with the dip?"

There's dip? As in dip that you put chips in? Sour cream is good only on certian occasions, otherwise it gets annoying. Today is a sour cream day! Bring on the tacos!

"Yes, yes," he came into the foyer and kissed Elle gently on the head, "and I put olives in it, just the way you like it!"
"I do not like olives in my dip," Elle said as she pushed away from Ken's embrace, "you know that."
"Aw, yes, but I thought you said that one time we were at the pizza place and we had that olive pizza that you were like and you like totally came to love olives!"
"Oh, yeah," Elle agreed slowly, "I remember, sorry, sometimes you know me better than I know myself!"

Ok, olives in dip..what the fuck? Ew!

On another note, it's sad how Elle just crumbles at Ken. This is not going to be a good relationship. Where's the compromise? And, Elle was being truthful about 'coming to love olives', but it was just so Ken wouldn't get mad.

At least he hasn't hit her. Unless, he has and I haven't noticed...

"So, do you have Ruffles?" I interject, trying to soften the mood, "those are some spectacular snackables!"

[waitingxforxyou]

lol i actually don't like ruffles with dip...my sister eats them alll the time and then she'll get into bed with me and blow her breath in my face. ouch.