Endless Love

[Kaddy41]

update....please??

[dance-sing-livelife]

update please!!

[Miss Type A]

update?
por favorrrr?

[dance-sing-livelife]

[.omgpinkk--]

PPPPLLLLEEEEAAAAASSSEEEEE update?

[punkrocker22]

sorry guys .... i wanted to update two days ago..but i couldnt...i just started high school and so far it's been a pain in my ass....i hope to write an update on Sunday...hopefully ill be able to...

[Morenor]

Wow... I haven't been on here for almost two weeks and I only missed two updates

I still love this story

[avrilzmyidol]

update??? please?

[punkrocker22]

Sorry it took sooo long for me to update....but i wrote a long and intense update just for you guys....hope it makes up for it! ENJOY!

Avril-

I thought that by telling John the truth, I would feel better…but really….i felt worse. Way worse. I never felt so bad in my life...not that I could remember anyway. My heart felt like it had been ripped out of my chest and then broken into the smallest pieces you could possibly imagine. I couldn’t even think straight cause all I could think about was Deryck and how I had let him down and been a slut. How could I cheat on him? With his own brother at that. Deryck was so good to me….too good. He would never have done this to me….so why did I have to go and do this to him? God, why did things have to be like this? Things use to be so simple. It used to be that I just got up in the morning with my biggest fear being if I was late for work. Now, things were so complicated….too complicated it seemed. I couldn’t handle this. Sometimes I wish I could just die….just escape from everything that is closing me in. But then I think about Deryck and smack myself for even thinking about death as an option. If I died, I would never see Deryck ever again….and therefore, I still wouldn’t be happy. So it was worthless to die. Or was it?
As if telling the truth wasn’t hard enough, John didn’t show any bit of understanding….or compassion…or anything. It was like he was heart less or something. I know I had lied to him about everything…but he could have at least understood my situation. I mean….he would lie too if he had lost the love of his life, got sold into prostitution by his parents and was forced to become homeless afterwards. Who wouldn’t lie about their past about that? Uhhh….he was so stupid. He just didn’t understand anything. How could I ever have said “I love you” to him? He had so many things wrong with him….too many things that I didn’t like. But then again, he looked just like Deryck …and I guess that was enough to satisfy me at the time. But how could I have slept with him? Of course, I wasn’t thinking about myself at the time. I mean, I had just gotten over being a prostitute….at that point I didn’t care about myself or my body at all….and therefore, I had no problem giving myself away to him. But even though I wasn’t thinking about myself, couldn’t I have thought about Deryck and what all of this was going to do to him in the long run? No I couldn’t. I was just a stupid, selfish slut who took advantage of everyone’s feelings…especially Deryck’s…and he didn’t even know it yet. Maybe John was right. Maybe I was cheap and useless….that is what I felt like right now anyway. I was still thinking of all this, when I felt Michelle rub my back and begin to talk again. To be honest, I had forgotten that she was even here with me…I guessed my mind was too cluttered to notice.
“Av?”
“Hmmm….” I said, in between tears.
“It’s gonna be alright, I promise you that…..”
“Michelle….stop saying things you don’t mean….we both know it’s not gonna be alirght.”
“Why would you say that?” She asked me, placing her hand under my chin and lifting up my face to look at her. I shook my head, not wanting to answer. It hurt too much to talk right now. “You’ll find Deryck….he’ll forgive you…and you guys will just leave off where you started….” She smiled at me, but it didn’t work. I wiped away the tears from my eyes just for more to take up their place. It was useless. It was like my heart was bleeding out through my eyes. The more I cried, the less I wanted to live….the more I just wanted to see all this end. My sister tried to put her arm around me but I stopped her and pulled away. I sat on the opposite side of the bed, looking out the window. I kind of hated my sister right now. She thought everything was so simple…if only she was right…but I knew she wasn’t….i knew me and Deryck would never come back to what we had started.
“Even if he did come back….he would leave me just as fast as John did once he found out the truth. He would never look at me the same way.” I mumbled through my teeth.
“What?” My sister asked, obviously not hearing anything I had just said. It was ok. I hadn’t expected her to hear. I mainly just said it to myself.
“He would leave me with my heart so broken it could never be mended back into place again. And I would deserve it….cause I did it to him first.” I said, and then burst into tears and ran into the bathroom. I closed and locked the door behind me. I heard my sister begin to knock on the door, but I didn’t listen. I just wanted to be alone. I might as well get used to it…I would spend my whole life alone now…Deryck would never take me back. And without Deryck….without anyone that reminded me of Deryck or my past….there was just no point in living.
At that moment, I opened the cabinet and took out John’s razor blade. I held it in between my fingers for a moment, just examining it. I looked up for a moment and caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror. I was pale, my light brown roots were beginning to show, my died black hair looked dull and dry, my eyes were black, smeared and broken looking, and I was way underweight. I looked at myself for awhile and just took everything in. I didn’t even recognize myself anymore. That’s how bad it had become. Well, I started this….i have to end it.
I looked at the razor blade one more time and then closed my eyes. I saw Deryck…and me….and the past that I longed to get back but couldn’t…the past that only existed in my dreams. I began to cry again, but then took a deep breath and stopped myself. Once again, I saw Deryck….but this time, he wasn’t with me. He was crying and alone and just kept repeating my name…..and John’s….and he kept asking himself how I could do that to him. He was holding the picture of me and him kissing close to his heart, his tears falling down on it. In my vision, I saw Deryck age…..but even as he aged…the situation remained the same. He remained alone….he remained crying…and he remained thinking about me. At the end, it just went black…and I knew what had happened. He had cried himself to death and died a heartbroken man. I opened my eyes suddenly and began crying again. There was no doubt in my mind now whatsoever. Deryck would live a better life never knowing about what happened and just believing I had committed suicide like everyone else thought. He would be better off never seeing me again…he would be better off with me dead. I again looked at the razor in my fingers but this time…I raised it to my left wrist and began slicing myself. I let out a shriek and as the blood gushed out, I began to feel dizzy and sat down inside the bathtub. I closed my eyes and took in my last moments of life. I once again saw me and Deryck…the way we used to be. I saw the first date pass me by. Then, I once again saw Deryck crying and alone and dying out of sadness. I felt tears begin to fill my eyes, even with them still closed. I then cut deeper into my wrist and then the other one, letting out shrieks of pain here and there. I heard my sister calling to me and I didn’t care. She would move on after this. It wouldn’t kill her.
My eyes were still closed and I felt myself getting weaker by the minute. After about five minutes of just seeing Deryck crying in my head, I saw a white light….and I saw myself going towards it. The visions of Deryck crying and the light kept flashing through my head….on and off. And with each time I saw Deryck crying, I moved closer to the light and reached my hand towards it. When I was at the front of the gate where the light was coming from, I took the deepest breath I could (considering my weakness). I once again saw Deryck crying….and alone…and dying…all because of me. I cut one last time into my wrist.
“Im sorry….always remember….i love you……but you don’t deserve me…and I don’t deserve the endless love you gave me….” I said, hoping Deryck would hear me….even though I knew he couldn’t. At that moment, I entered the gate and collapsed into the light. Then…I just saw darkness.