Offbeat News

[Skytz]

a little old this one, but what the hell..

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Naked anti-war protests swel

Basingstoke man inspired to political activism

The number of anti-war protests in which the participants strip naked to register their anger at US/UK policy are rocketing, we can reveal.

Inspired initially by a group of New York women who bravely stripped off in freezing weather and lay down on the ground to form the words "No Bush" despite clear evidence to the contrary, people all over the world have started getting naked.

In January, 105 Los Angeles housewives bared all to spell out the less ambiguous "No War" message on a hillside. And last month, 700 Aussie women fleshed out the same "No War" sentiment, followed by another 750 women who tore off their clothes and had enough people left over to stick a heart around the ubiquitous "No War" message.

Incredibly, this nuddie activism by young women has attracted men. Just last week, 300 men and women flashed their bits in Chile and yet more Aussies — 250 men — displayed their pink oboes. Despite the women failing to turn up, the men nevertheless decided to spell out the more technically-challenging but arguably less powerful "Peace man" message.

Now it seems that the global craze has come to the UK, with Basingstoke-based accountant Jeff Andrews, 43, planning to hold a similar public protest in his garden.



"I have never done anything like this before," Jeff told The Rockall Times, "but when I saw 750 women completely naked women laying together on the ground, I could feel my body telling me I should do something straight away.

"So I did. But afterwards it suddenly occurred to me that I should set up a similar protest in Basingstoke."

Single man Jeff immediately set about organising the nude event. He first visited the 22-year-old nurse opposite his house. "One I'd made the decision I felt a sudden strength come to me," Jeff revealed. "I now longer feared the establishment, so I broke the restraining order and asked Julie if she would be interested in starting a nude protest with me."

Jeff wasn't disheartened though and instead set about sending letters to Women's Institute in his area. He increased his doorstepping, often continuing late into the night.

"It's all coming together," he told us. "After two weeks solid work, I have two definites, eight maybes and four possibles."

The protest itself will take place tomorrow in Jeff's walled garden, with the women invited to use his two-bed flat to change in. He has also taken on the task of producing photographs and footage of the event. "I've got two stills cameras and I have just gone out and bought several cameras to capture every aspect of the event. Look how tiny they are, you'd barely notice them, would you? Well? Can you see it? No? Great."

Jeff did admit to feeling nervous however. While laying out the crisps, sandwiches and soft drinks that will make the post-picture party go with a bang, Jeff told us: "I didn't sleep a wink last night and I probably won't tonight either. I just hope they come. It's going to be a great day."

Like thousands of others, Jeff has found that the dire situation with Iraq has forced him act. "I have to say I never thought of myself as a political activist, but it just shows how wrong you can be."

Skytz

Badger rampage injures five


Badgers are usually wary of humans
A rogue badger attacked five people during a 48-hour rampage in a quiet suburb.

One man required two skin graft operations, after the badger woke him up and attacked him when he went outside to investigate.

Other victims included a man who was attacked as he walked home from a pub, in Evesham, Worcestershire.

Mike Weaver, from the Worcestershire Badger Society, said: "I have never heard of anything like this in 24 years of work with badgers throughout the UK."

'Horror movie'

The badger, which is thought to have been injured, has been put down.

Pam Fitzgerald, said the attack on her husband Michael, who is still in hospital after the skin grafts, was like a "bizarre horror movie".


Michael Fitzgerald needed two skin grafts
She said: "We had gone to bed and we heard a noise in the garage.

"My husband opened the door and the badger sat there and then, gradually, just slowly walked towards him and attacked him.

"It caught him on his arm and, in the process of trying to get the badger off himself, he's lost quite a lot of skin on his arm and some of the flesh."

Mrs Fitzgerald said the badger also bit her husband's leg, forcing the couple to flee inside their house.

"It was terrifying because we didn't expect a badger to attack because we know that badgers, when they smell a human, will disappear," she said.

Police take evasive action

Mrs Fitzgerald added that her husband will have a lasting reminder of the attack.

"He's still in hospital... they've had to do skin grafts on both of his wounds. He will be very badly scarred."

The Worcestershire Badger Society finally rounded up the animal on Friday.


I been involved with badgers for 24 years now and I've never heard of anything like this

Mike Weaver
Worcestershire Badger Society
Mr Weaver said: "I was called out on Thursday night. A young man walking home, I presume from the pub, had been bitten by a badger."

The animal was nowhere to be seen, but early on Friday morning Mr Weaver received a call from police after it was seen chasing people.

"The police officer told me it had kept some of their officers at bay and indeed they had to jump on to the bonnet of a car to escape it."

Mr Weaver said it was extraordinary behaviour for an animal that is usually wary of people.

"Normal behaviour for a badger would be that as soon as it scented humans it would take off.

Tamed cub

"My belief is that this badger had been brought up from a cub with people. The evidence for that is the fact that it had no fear of humans at all."

Mr Weaver said there was no need for people to start fearing an onslaught of badger attacks.

He said: "I've been in touch with other people who've been involved with badgers and they've never heard of anything like it.

"I would consider this to be a one-off incident and the people of Evesham and Worcestershire, and indeed everywhere else in the country should not be worried that this may happen again."

Typing monkeys produce a real mess

By JILL LAWLESS - Associated Press



LONDON (AP) -- Give an infinite number of monkeys an infinite number of typewriters, the theory goes, and they will eventually produce the prose the likes of Shakespeare.

Give six monkeys one computer for a month, and they will make a mess.

Researchers at Plymouth University in England reported this week that primates left alone with a computer attacked the machine and failed to produce a single word.

"They pressed a lot of S's," researcher Mike Phillips said Friday. "Obviously, English isn't their first language."

A group of faculty and students in the university's media program left a computer in the monkey enclosure at Paignton Zoo in southwest England, home to six Sulawesi crested macaques. Then, they waited.

At first, said Phillips, "the lead male got a stone and started bashing the hell out of it.

"Another thing they were interested in was in defecating and urinating all over the keyboard," added Phillips, who runs the university's Institute of Digital Arts and Technologies.

Eventually, monkeys Elmo, Gum, Heather, Holly, Mistletoe and Rowan produced five pages of text, composed primarily of the letter S. Later, the letters A, J, L and M crept in.

Phillips said the project, funded by England's Arts Council rather than by scientific bodies, was intended more as performance art than scientific experiment.

The notion that monkeys typing at random will eventually produce literature is often attributed to Thomas Huxley, a 19th-century scientist who supported Charles Darwin's theories of evolution. Mathematicians have also used it to illustrate concepts of chance.

The Plymouth experiment was part of the Vivaria Project, which plans to install computers in zoos across Europe to study differences between animal and artificial life.

Phillips said the experiment showed that monkeys "are not random generators. They're more complex than that.

"They were quite interested in the screen, and they saw that when they typed a letter, something happened. There was a level of intention there."

Man escapes car crash and then falls down ravine

A US man who escaped injury in a car crash, fell 50ft down a ravine while walking away from the accident.

Anthony R Granito was driving through Bethlehem, New York state, when his car hit the side of the road and turned over.

The 64-year-old was disorientated after getting out of the car and began walking across a grassy patch.

He then fell down a 50-foot ravine onto railway tracks, where emergency crews later found him.

Lt Thomas Heffernan of the Bethlehem Police Department, said: "He was conscious. He was talking to the officer and medical personnel that were on the scene and he's been transported to the hospital."

Granito told police he has no recollection of the accident - only of ending up sitting on the rail tracks.

His injures are not life threatening and is in stable condition in hospital, reports capitalnews9

[April]

hah those are weird but funny

[Skytz]

Ooh is this offensive??

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Jesus H. Christ we're all going to die!

Our experts on the SARS threat to humanity

by The man in the paper mask

Tonight, as the world faces the terrible threat of annihilation at the hands of the SARS tsunami, The Times has assembled a top team of international epidemiological pundits to give our readers the facts behind the chilling pandemic.

Imagine this terrifying scenario: a man sneezes in a Hong Kong lift. Ten months later all human life has been wiped from the face of the earth by the fearful mutating supervirus he has unwittingly passed to the other occupants. Not science fiction, but real-time science fact in which the big red line on the mortality projection graph goes off the top of the longest piece of paper ever produced.

It is a plague on a biblical scale. Indeed, our experts advise that after multiplying together all the Old Testament plagues and then adding that figure to AIDS, Ebola, anthrax and flesh-eating necrosis, the SARS doomsday index exceeds even this fearful total by an incredible 700 PERCENT.

What this means to the average parent is that there is a 61 per cent chance that you or your children will be dead before you ever reach the end of this article. Think about it. Actually, put on a face mask first, then think about it.

The effects of this catastrophe cannot be underestimated. Billions will die, hacking up blood from their disease-ravaged lungs. Western democracy will effectively cease to exist as the social infrastructure collapses under the weight of millions of unburied corpses. Even the most conservative of commentators concede that at the very least:

• Coughing Chinamen will not be welcome in lifts for generations to come
• Most children will be born and raised in sealed cupboards to protect them from bands of predatory paedophiles roaming the post-apocalyptic wastelands
• Close-contact professions such as hairdressing, rugby and male prostitution will cease to exist
• It will take humanity 10,000 years to once again reach pre-SARS levels of consumer spending, with tragic consequences for the global economy

However, despite the apparent futility of the exercise, we have prepared this Q&A section to allow readers to fully grasp the threat facing mankind. It may not save your life, but at least you'll die a better-informed, and more rounded human being:

So what's the big deal then?

Well SARS is one of the most serious infectious diseases ever and it's spreading round the world up to 10 times faster than the last serious infectious disease. Many people have caught it already. Hundreds have died and billions more are set to follow.

How is it transmitted?

By Canadians and the tabloid media. Exposure to either means at best uninformed blind panic, at worst a miserable death in an NHS hospital corridor.

What are the symptoms?

That depends on the vector. If you catch it from a Canadian, you'll get flu-like symptoms and difficulty breathing rapidly followed by total death. Infections due to exposure to panic-mongering journalists usually mean an abnormally high level of fretting, worrying and nail-biting developing over a period of days into mild panic, fear of all forms of mass transit and a desire to stockpile essential groceries.

What's the survival rate?

Around four per cent of those infected die immediately. This rises to around 94 per cent among the especially vulnerable — the very young, very old or infirm, and those prone to running around like a headless chicken when they read that someone in Beijing has caught a cold.

And if you're lucky enough to survive?

You get to be interviewed on TV about the whole thing. If there are any TV crews still alive.

Okay, what does SARS stand for?

Seasonally Affected Regional Syndrome.

Why doesn't it sound as scary as Ebola?

The World Health Authority admits that since AIDS and flesh-eating necrosis, it has been struggling to maintain its high standard of catchy, scaremongering monikers and acronyms. SARS just appeared so quickly, they didn't have time to call it something really sinister.

That's a real shame

Isn't it?

Yes. So where did this SARS come from?

China. You know, in the Far East, where all these odd diseases start.

All of them?

Well, except for the ones that start in Africa. Like AIDS and Ebola.

Why China?

The Chinese have been working hard over the last ten years to knock Africa off the top of the world pandemic propagating superleague. Apparently, China's peasants have pulled off a blinder this time.

The peasants?

Yes. In China they live in the same house as their animals. Somehow the disease must have transferred itself from swine to humans.

But how?

Scientists reckon the people and the animals live in pretty intimate proximity.

How intimate?

Use your imagination.

But how for the love of all that's holy did SARS break out from a Chinese swineherd's peasant lovenest?

Oh come on, you must know the facts by now: isolated outbreak, blah blah, wrongly diagnosed, blah blah, increased mobility in China, blah blah, man sneezing, blah blah, rapid spread, blah blah, teeming cities, blah blah, poor medical facilities, blah blah, government cover-up, blah blah, foreign tourists, blah blah, Toronto...

Toronto? You must be joking

No, really. Some woman from the city went on a holiday to see the Great Wall and brought the disease back with her. Within fifteen minutes of her arrival at Toronto airport eight million Canadians were infected. According to the WHO, that is.

Are we supposed to believe that?

Hmmmm. The Mayor of Toronto insists there's no problem.

Isn't he the guy called Lastman?

Yes — chilling co-incidence, eh?

Gosh. It all sounds pretty grim. Shouldn't we be worrying about it over here in Britain?

Not really. The government says that as long as you take the following precautions, you'll be fine:

• Buy a paper mask and wear it at all times. The SARS virus is four centimetres long and cannot penetrate the coarse weave of the mask
• As an added precaution, breath as little as possible, and preferably not at all
• Panic buy petrol, flour, sugar, gaffer tape and plastic sheeting
• Use the tape and plastic sheeting to seal your designated "safe room". Once inside the room, do not leave until the tabloid newspapers lose interest in the disease. Under NO circumstances leave the room and fly to Canada

Is all this really necessary? Surely our immune systems are more robust than the Canadians. After all, we've been ingesting BSE for years. Hey, I remember BSE. It was going to kill millions of us. Whatever happened to it?

Remember, apocalyptic killer superviruses are most effectively treated by the introduction of a newer, more interesting threat into the news chain. Who talks about that flesh-dissolving ultrabacteria now, eh?

So that's how best to attack the SARS virus?

Yes. Scientists say it will take up to 12 years to develop an effective agent to fight the virus, by which time everyone on the planet will already be dead. The only hope is that the Africans can unearth a new plague which will wipe SARS from the face of the media.

What are our chances?

If you reached the end of this article without coughing once, you may have a few days left. Use them for some quality time with your kids. They'll be dead soon, as will you.

Skytz

[Mirma]

all this shit was brought to u by the couple SK-ST.live on CNN.Thanks for listening and I hope u all enjoyed it

[Skytz]

Thats the British spoof press for you, telling it like it isn't....

Skytz

Jackass star arrested in Sweden on drug charges

One of the stars of Jackass has been arrested in Sweden for allegedly swallowing a condom filled with marijuana.

Stephen Glover, known as Steve-O, was arrested after police raided his hotel room in Stockholm.

Glover and his fellow Jackass regulars had performed their Don't Try This At Home show in the Swedish capital on Wednesday night.

Prosecutor Gunnar Fjaestad said the raid happened after Glover claimed he had swallowed the condom as a stunt.

In an entry on his website dated May 22, Glover wrote he swallowed the condom and was "stoned as can be and overjoyed with the success of 'Poo Rubber 2."

Fjaestad said police took an x-ray of Glover's body found a foreign object in his stomach. Police say they also found an ecstasy pill along with more marijuana in his hotel room.

Glover, 28, could face charges of drugs smuggling and possession. A detention hearing is scheduled for the weekend and a judge will decide if Glover should be kept in jail while prosecutors prepare any charges.

Even possession of small amounts of drugs can lead to prison time in Sweden, which has some of the strictest drug laws in Europe. Violators can be given fines or sentenced to prison.

Fjaestad said Glover's alleged violations were especially serious because young people look up to him and other members of the MTV show, which is still aired on MTV Europe.

Cabbies hand out condoms

Norwegian cabbies are handing out condoms in a government-sponsored safe sex campaign.

Taxi driver Karl Erik Roland, who works in Trondheim, says discretion is the key to handing out the free contraceptives.

He told Adresseavisen newspaper: "We don't offer these to everyone. Most of them go to young people out on the town at night."

Mr Roland, a Swede who has been driving in Trondheim for two years, said: "I had a 16-year-old with his mother.

"It was obvious he wanted some free condoms, but didn't want to mention it with his mother around. He managed to sneak a hint anyway."

The taxi firm's manager, Geir Lerdahl, says it's up to the driver to gauge whether to offer the contraceptives.

He said: "The driver has to find the right passengers. You don't ask an elderly lady over 80 if she wants a four-pack.

"I have also told the drivers not to push the condoms, really the passenger should ask for them."

Pony rustlers caught in the act

Three would-be rustlers were arrested by Italian police after officers spotted a pony's head poking out of their car window.

The gang had put the ten month old pony in the back of a Fiat estate car and tied it down but left the boot open.

Two police officers who were carrying out roadside spot checks at Giardinelle di Matera in southern Italy immediately pulled the car over as it approached them and arrested the men.

A police spokesman said:''The two officers couldn't believe their eyes when they stopped the car and saw the pony's head poking out through the open boot door.

''They quickly established the animal had been stolen and the three men were arrested. A vet was called to examine the pony and, apart from minor injuries suffered when it was put in the back of the car, it's now fine.''

The spokesman added that the pony was probably stolen so that it could be sold for its meat.

Pigs and horses can fly says US

The US says pigs, cats, monkeys and horses can fly on airlines but only in first-class.

New Department of Transportation regulations allow the animals on board as long as they can fit into the luxury cabin of a Boeing 777.

The new guidelines have been introduced so all "service animals" - not just guide dogs for the blind - can be transported with their owners.

The rules come into force this month, but have just been tested on Cuddles, a miniature horse just over 2ft high and weighing 70lb. Cuddles was given a seat in the first-class cabin of an American Airlines jet.

Cuddles was with Dan Shaw, a blind man from Maine, who uses a horse because it lives longer than a dog.

The Boston to Chicago flight record later noted that the passenger in seat 3a "had a bowel movement on the carpet".

The aircraft's next flight was delayed for cleaning but waiting passengers weren't told why, reports The Times.