This Q&A is so enlighting. So fucking intelligent and outspoken.
When did you begin writing songs for Flavors of Entanglement and when did you complete the record?
I started writing in mid January of '07. I went to London for two weeks, and I wrote 12 songs in 12 days with Guy Sigsworth. About a month and a half later, he came to L.A. and we wrote 12 more songs in 12 days. And then in mid summer came the heavy lifting of the producing and cleaning up any vocals. Mixing began in the fall, and the record was formally finished in mid January of this year.
Which is when your tour officially began...
Yes, I was still checking mixes while I was on tour.
You've learned so much over the past decade about self-care and how it's one of the keys to your health, happiness, and creativity. Given the intensity of the past year - writing, recording, touring, and other projects - have you discovered new ways to take care of yourself?
Yes... and some of them as recently as ten minutes ago!
One of the main things I've realized is that I wasn't taught how to manage my time as a kid. I don't think it's the #1 priority in most parents' minds perhaps, to teach a child how to do that. But it's something that I look forward to sharing with my future children because it's such a valuable piece in the self-care conversation.
What I've been doing lately is writing down what I do every day so I can see, with objectivity, what it is that I actually do. It's easy for me to do 20 things but feel like I've only done two because I'm such an overachiever. By writing down the 20 things, I can then pair it down. And so what I now do is allow myself to do one - and sometimes two - things in a day, which necessitates my being able to say no [laughter].
So basically, one of the greatest gifts in self-care for me is my ability to say no – and to be willing to disappoint people, to not be popular, and to not be liked, frankly. But when I can reference why I'm doing what I'm doing, that often incentivizes me to say the "no's" that I have to say.
Have you experienced any seemingly negative repercussions from saying no recently?
Yes, the biggest fear that I have is of disappointing people... because I'm working on my co-dependence recovery. So, yes, I sometimes disappointment people. If I say no to working on a film with a filmmaker whom I love, I disappoint them.
But I think another fear that comes along with that is the fear of losing out on really fun, interesting, and compelling opportunities. So it requires an abundance mindset on my part – knowing that if I say no to a movie or put a pin in a particular project there is plenty of time ahead. So the mantra of believing that there is plenty of time to do everything I want to do in this lifetime is greatly helpful.
You've talked about the importance of managing your energy. What's the difference between managing your time and managing your energy?
They're synonymous, really. The value in focusing on energy management- more so perhaps than on time management – is that it allows me to evaluate how much energy I expend on any given day.[/b]
While professionally there are certain perceptions of what is more valuable - like my doing an interview may be deemed more valuable than sitting in my back yard – in the broader scheme of things, "tankfilling" is what sustains my capacity to be super productive. Technically, I could fit 50 things into one day if I really wanted to, but I'm depleted at #5. So essentially, managing my energy well requires that I have a greater understanding of my own priorities.
The biggest theme that keeps popping up around time management is "what is valued?" Certainly, what seems to be valued most by society is fame and wealth, and there are all kinds of different words thatcan be placed under the umbrella of fame and wealth – like power, influence, or importance. On the list of what seems to be most valuedby society, well being and self-care often fall down to #12 on the list, if not #50. So what I've been doing over the last year is really re-prioritizing what is of greatest importance to me.
As a kid I was taught that fame and wealth were more important than wellbeing... by a long shot. So now - even though I occasionally still cram a day full of work and deplete myself - I know that caring for my well being is what will sustain me over time. It will also keep me inspired.
As you're making this shift to doing fewer things in a given day, have you noticed that there are aspects of your life that need care that you hadn't noticed before?
I read somewhere recently that well being lies in the delicate balance between being "under-aroused" and "over-aroused"...
So I know that when I'm completely off the radar - and maybe hovering around the word "bored" - sometimes I can feel like I'm not living my purpose. I can feel out of alignment when it appears that I'm not using my gifts.
And equally, when I'm on the other end of the spectrum - working too much and overly stimulated by my surroundings and my schedule - I'mn ot at my best either.
I'm realizing that the delicate balance is to be found between under-whelmed and overwhelmed. This is really important for me.
I would never recommend one schedule for all human beings. I think tailoring it to one's own temperament and to one's own arousal limits is an important thing. So for my temperament, when I do one thing in a day versus five things, everything that I'm doing winds up feeling very sustainable. If I'm doing one interview (or three) in a day, I can see myself doing that over a long period of time. But if I'm doing three interviews, a couple of television spots, and a show that night, that's just not sustainable. Once in while I can do it (run on empty for an afternoon or for a few days in a row), but I can feel the temporary aspect of that.
That's really what I'm focusing on... sustainability - sustainability in how I live and how my well being will benefit, how my friendships will benefit, how the planet will benefit. Everything benefits from thinking more in terms of "what is sustainable?" versus "I'll stop when I fall down." Once I've reached the falling down point, it takes a long time for me to fill my tanks if they're super depleted. So my goal is to not get so depleted that I need to hit rock bottom or jump completely off the radar.
Can you say more about how addressing sustainability in your own personal life sensitizes you to sustainability on a global scale?
It's certainly shining a light on what I see as society's values -where I overlap with them and where I don't. And what that directly speaks to for me is my experience over the past ten years, particularly in the mid 90's, when I had such an inner conflict withthe fact that I was grabbing the brass ring, so to speak, and achieving the American Dream. And yet at the same time I had thismassive inner conflict because it was based on some values I didn't believe in, and was at the cost of my self-care, and at the cost of my wellbeing. The schedule was by its' very nature counter natural rhythm.
So, the conversation of sustainability really points toward the values that underlie lifestyle choices, and in this case, me carving out what the best lifestyle is for my own temperament.
We could say that how you care for yourself informs and affects how you care for the world...
Any time that I do something that is subtly counterculture, it may seem to the outside like a small step but it can be a profound movement against the general current – countering society's prevailing messages, like "skinny is beautiful" and "wealth and fame are more important than wellbeing"... and all of these surreptitious messages.
I think the biggest outlaws, renegades, and rebels whom I respect are those who make these subtle changes and shifts in such infinitesimal ways... tiny ways. These are the small choices and steps I end up applauding the most in the people I'm close to.
What are some of subtle things you're doing to take care of yourself physically right now, especially as you prepare for your European tour?
Getting more regular massages, making sure I go to sleep usually an hour before I think I should, making sure that I don't start my work hours too early, eating when I'm hungry.
This might sound ridiculously mundane, but it's true! Things like going to the bathroom the second I need to go rather than holding it in for an hour when I'm dying send more caring messages to my brain!
Making sure I bring food with me in my purse when I'm driving somewhere to an appointment, so I don't have to sit through starvation for two hours.
Making sure that I have enough time to workout and that I'm not rushing from my workout to whatever comes next. Maybe I have to get up 45 minutes earlier so that it can be a leisurely experience.
One of the greatest gifts that I give myself is letting something be leisurely instead of rushed. So rather than leaving 20 minutes to get somewhere, I give myself 45 minutes so I can drive like a sane person.
These are seemingly simple things, but at the end of a day of having made 15 of these choices, my self-esteem and sense of well-being is higher.
On behalf of women everywhere, thank you for being a voice of sanity and reminding us that we CAN go to the bathroom before misery and pain set in!!
Yeah, it's like being too cold. I used to let myself get to the freezing point and even then not accept someone's offer for a coat. Now I'm quick to ask, "Hey, does anybody have a jacket they could lend me?" It seems so simple now.
Or another version of it is letting people know (to the extent that it still feels respectful of my privacy) what's going on with me so that I don't have to pretend I'm okay if I'm not - like if I'm having a hormonal moment, or if I'm just coming out of a really intense meeting. Before I start my next interaction, I can say something like, "I just came from a rehearsal and I'm somewhat depleted, but I'd love to chat with you. Let's make it ten minutes rather than an hour."
Another great outcome of prioritizing self-care is that I'm canceling things less! In the past I would have said yes to 50 things and then due to complete depletion I would have had to cancel 20 of them, embarrassingly. Whereas now I'm not even booking 50, I'm booking ten - and there are no cancellations happening, which is lovely. Now I think more before I commit.
Brilliant! By being more selective, you actually follow through on and accomplish more.
Yes, more gets done. And I come across as a more reliable person.
And there's another little practice I'd like to throw out there...
Over the years, I've had so many to-do lists and what I would do is write it all down, do it all, and then just crumple the piece of paper up and throw it out. Now what I do is keep a list with check boxes next to each thing, so at the end of the day I can see how much stuff I've actually done... I can congratulate myself for all that I've accomplished that day and let it actually sink in (one of the symptoms of workaholism is not having a grasp on how much you actually are doing). Also, this is another way to track where I'm putting my energy and what might be taking too much energy.
There was a period of time where I would sort of intellectually decide what took my energy rather than letting my body tell me. So I might think, "Yeah, doing that interview was exhausting" - forgetting that I also took my dogs for a walk, made dinner for four people, and designed something on my website – somehow disqualifying those as not requiring enough energy to go on a list. But I realize now that it's my body that tells me where I've been expending energy. I could spendas much energy sitting in meditation or mulling something over as I do doing a full-blown show. Sometimes LESS energy is expended on stage than it is in letting my mind wander for an hour! So I rely on my body to tell me where my energy is being spent.
I'm also letting my body decided when I've been on for too long. My friends have busted me on this in the past. They've asked me, "Are there ANY hours during the day when you're not on?" And really, those off times are the most rejuvenating times for me. Sometimes I'm even on around my most intimate loved ones, in conversation, where I'm being vigilant of what's being said. So I'm making sure that there are times I'm completely off. It's really important... the off switch.
What do you like to do to flip the switch?
Guided meditations... following someone else's voice is huge, otherwise my voice takes over and I'm not off!
Watching television that is engrossing, that'll shut my mind off.
Receiving a massage! There's a massage therapist at Harbin Hot Springs named Nirakar... he's so great! He creates a space that is very present and non-egoic. He'll keep verbally bringing me back to the present, to what's happening, throughout the entire massage (but not in the way that you have to engage with), and it keeps you very present and focused.
Nirakar's URL:
Integrated Body Work - DeHypnotherapy, NLP and Massage
Basically, what helps me to turn the switch off is anything where someone is guiding me and I can stop the banter in my head for awhile. This also includes watching my breath and repeating a mantra.
From your music, we know that you're a woman who refuses to deny her emotional world... which we all benefit from! What are you doing right now to tend to your emotional life?
I have a room in my house that is singularly dedicated to my emotional inner life. I have a big white board up on the wall where I'll write things, draw, put clippings from magazines up there. I have tons of books on the shelves. It's my wellbeing room.
And I journal a lot.
Emotionally, when I'm really upset, I have to physically get it out of my body. So I'll either dance it out, or pound a pillow, or go swimming. Sometimes I'll get it out by riding my motorcycle or doing feisty kundalini as I call it
I see a therapist pretty consistently... that helps.
And I let myself cry when I need to. Sometimes I'll literally remove myself from a social situation to let myself have a little solitude moment in the bathroom stall!
What are you doing to care for your spirit?
My morning ritual always involves spiritual readings of some kind. Right now, I read something (or listen to something) from Gangaji. And then I'll also read something else that's relevant to whatever I'm focusing on at the moment - a little bit of psychology or more spiritual wisdom.
I burn candles whenever I can. And I've been meditating for about ten minutes every morning, which sounds like a small amount of time but it's massively long for someone like me!
I take my dogs to a special place, almost every day. I'll sit under this really huge tree and just be with nature. Nature is huge.
I also see God in art so much. So any time I expose myself to beauty – through a painting, a piece of music, a magnificent natural landscape, a photo I've taken, or beautiful colors - I'm with God. Art and God are synonymous to me.
As one who is prone to having many "ah ha moments" on any given day, what inner revelation have you had recently that you would share with us?
So much of what I notice myself grieving about, around my past relationships, has more to do with the fact that I miss the yearning that was so familiar to me, the yearning for things to go better. And now that things are going better, I notice that I actually MISS the yearning that I lived with... and the obsession I lived with for things to go better. Often I miss the person much less than I miss the yearning I felt while in their presence.
It's a subtle one, but it was great for me to distinguish becausesometimes I hadn't been able to figure out what I was missing...
Thank you Alanis, for your vulnerability – and for so many great ideasfor how to care for oneself. Can't wait for the next Q & A!
06-03-2008, 12:42 PM
) I was like gah gah gah, don't like it. Then for a second I was like hmmmmm maybe this will change my mind but alas...